Freedom in Relationships — Love Dictionary | Nikos Marinos

Love Dictionary — Cluster IV · Words of Negotiation

Freedom

Commitment · Freedom · Control

This etymology is not without irony. In the contemporary discourse on relationships, freedom and love are frequently positioned as opposites — as if to commit is to surrender, to love is to constrain. The political language of autonomy has infiltrated intimate life in ways that are not always useful. Freedom, in the relational sense, is not the absence of obligation. It is the presence of choice. And choice, to mean anything, must be made within constraint — within attachment, dependency, the claims of another person's need.

What people usually mean when they say they need more freedom in a relationship is something more specific: they need room to be themselves without negotiating that selfhood at every turn. They need space to have an interior life that is genuinely their own — thoughts, feelings, preferences, irritations — without those being immediately submitted to the couple's consensus.

Vignette They describe the same argument in different words. She says: He suffocates me. He says: She disappears. Both are describing his response to her need for solitude, and her response to his response. She needs, genuinely needs, periods of being alone — not from him specifically but from the social demand of being in a couple. He experiences her withdrawal as withdrawal from him. Which is partly true. Which makes it worse. Which confirms her need to withdraw. She is not asking to be free from loving him. She is asking to be free enough, within the love, to also be herself. The distinction feels obvious to her and invisible to him.

More in Cluster IV — Words of Negotiation

All Entries — Love Dictionary

Cluster I — Words of Wanting

Cluster II — Words of Rupture

Cluster III — Words of Absence

Cluster IV — Words of Negotiation

Cluster V — Words Without a Dictionary Yet

Cluster VI — Words of Conflict

The full dictionary — all 19 entries across six clusters — is available as a free download.

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Nikos Marinos

Psychodynamic Psychotherapist · Author · Relational Integrity Framework
Paris · www.nikosmarinos.com