Commitment in Relationships — Love Dictionary | Nikos Marinos

Love Dictionary — Cluster IV · Words of Negotiation

Commitment

Commitment · Freedom · Control

The word has accumulated, over time, a quality of burden. Contemporary culture has produced a peculiar ambivalence toward commitment — valuing it in principle while treating it with something close to suspicion in practice. The proliferation of exit options, the language of settling, the cultural celebration of keeping one's options open: these are not simply expressions of freedom. They are, in many cases, expressions of anxiety dressed as freedom.

What commitment actually requires is not the elimination of doubt — no serious commitment is made without doubt — but the willingness to act in spite of it, and to return to the choice repeatedly, in full knowledge that the person you are choosing is not the person you imagined and is also not finished becoming whoever they are going to be.

Vignette He is forty-seven and has been in three long relationships. He says, with something between pride and embarrassment: I'm not afraid of commitment. I just need to be sure. His therapist asks: Sure of what? He is quiet for a moment. The question lands somewhere. He has spent twenty years being not-quite-sure, moving through relationships with a quality of careful audit, always measuring, always holding a small portion of himself in reserve. He calls this emotional intelligence. It may also be a very well-organized form of protection.

The paradox of commitment is that certainty is not its precondition. You cannot know, at the beginning, whether the person you are choosing is the right person — because the person you are choosing does not yet fully exist, and neither do you, and the relationship between you will make both of you into people you are not yet. Commitment is not a conclusion. It is a wager.

More in Cluster IV — Words of Negotiation

All Entries — Love Dictionary

Cluster I — Words of Wanting

Cluster II — Words of Rupture

Cluster III — Words of Absence

Cluster IV — Words of Negotiation

Cluster V — Words Without a Dictionary Yet

Cluster VI — Words of Conflict

The full dictionary — all 19 entries across six clusters — is available as a free download.

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Nikos Marinos

Psychodynamic Psychotherapist · Author · Relational Integrity Framework
Paris · www.nikosmarinos.com