PSYCHOLOGY 
R E L A T I O N S H I P S

The Surprising Key

to Feeling Sexy

By Janet Blair Page, 
www.huffingtonpost.com


SEPTEMBER 23, 2015

 

Your brain -- not your genitals -- provides the passion which inspires spontaneity and creativity, keeps sexy thoughts in your memory bank, and produces strategies for luring partners.

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Albert Einstein may have suffered from cognitive decline but no one was smart enough to know. Memories don't start declining until very late in life. If you're doing it right, there is more in stored in memory as life rolls on. And filing can be a problem. Think about it: now compared to 10 years ago, you know more. Memory has expanded but isn't limitless. What you may perceive as decline is uncontrolled off loading. In the future, we may have a system for controlled erasure. But now your brain gets rid of what is, for the most part, superfluous.

Can this information make you sexier? Yes -- a guarantee. If you would from this day forward forever stop saying, "my mind isn't what it used to be", you will feel smarter, younger, and sexier. Because anytime you decrease the number of times you insinuate you are a dummy, you decrease the number of times that you will not feel good about yourself. Don't know about you, but I don't feel sexy at the same time I am feeling like an idiot.

Love Story:

Hell hath no fury like a man scorned. Emotional overload has less to do with gender temperament differences than who holds the power. Lance had a rather lack luster approach to life in general and work in particular. He had the soul of a renaissance man without the resources to back it or a strong urge to earn.

When Lance met Penny, he felt they were meant to be. They shared many interests culturally and physically and both enjoyed entertaining, cooking together and quiet time reading in her beautiful home. Within two months of meeting, he moved in. A discussion never happened -- first came his toiletries and a change of clothes then the rest of his considerable wardrobe and his prized tools and kitchen utensils followed.

Lance didn't mind running errands and tending to the domestic chores that Penny overlooked due to her highly paid and heavy on travel career as a regional sales director. Penny enjoyed arriving home to a relaxed atmosphere with good companionship and less to do. Sex was good, a sense of humor was shared, and intellectual interests were O.K.

Lance assumed they would be together forever and at eight months, proposed. Penny not only didn't accept, she was shocked. She hadn't planned on leaving him but when his desire turned to insistence and then anger, it was the breaking point. Lance threw a fit -- yelling, and claiming she was a user. Penny liked what they had but wasn't going to be pressured into marriage. She was regretful that she had not been clear from the start about her lack of interest in a long-term relationship with him but the verbal abuse was more than she was willing to take. There was no choice but to end on many bad notes.

Takeaway from their story of woe is simply this: trite or not -- honesty is the best policy. Successful coupling involves mind as well as heart. Good sense as well as good emotion involves planning ahead and not assuming you know another's feelings if you haven't asked. This ending as so many endings could have been predicted. Sharing passion and compatibility is important and so are shared goals and similar intentions.

Your brain -- not your genitals -- provides the passion which inspires spontaneity and creativity, keeps sexy thoughts in your memory bank, and produces strategies for luring partners. Although men have been accused of not using their brain when it comes to sex (and that can apply equally to women), choreography, imagination, knowing what to say and when, and pleasing in the way your lover most enjoys, all require thought.

As Woody Allen quipped, "Success is showing up". Be there mentally and the body will follow. Brainless but orgasmic sex is like a massage -- great for your circulation and musculature but just skin deep. Mindlessly checking off different positions, locations, or body types necessitates keeping mental checklists and produces actions that register as impersonal. Even the least perceptive of partners senses a lack of presence, impatience or indifference.

On the flip side, when your lover is really involved in your shared moment, you know. Whether kissing or having sex, no matter how little time has gone by, they just seem like they could be there into next week. Sex is good. Mental connection makes it better. Truly focusing on a person and the moment and connecting emotionally and intellectually is transforming.

Discoveries in the area of adult development (and don't you prefer this language to "aging" or "anti-aging"?) are redefining biases about aging and identifying methods for offsetting decline. Traits that offset decline are -- energy level maintenance, the ability to ignore societal norms for behaviors (other people's opinions of you are not your business), long-term bonding, increased skills of nurturing, a sense of mastery, and happiness.

Possible positive changes to make use of are: a relaxed self-concept (which would include a better body image), a decrease of neuroticism (which could increase your chances of getting someone to lay hands on your body), and an increase in agreeableness (a contribution to sensuality by creating an improved emotional atmosphere).

High energy social outreach would include pursuing whom you desire and developing a larger network in which you can more easily find love. And three of the best investments you'll ever make are increased maturity and a strong sense of self (love works better for grown-ups) and building intimacy skills. Nurturing is sensual -- a quality that draws love and helps keep a partner in a state of desire. Self-confidence and happiness are irresistible. Don't we all prefer a lover who doesn't complain, is positive, expressive, and when the inevitable errors occur, can laugh and get quickly back on the love track?

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