PSYCHOLOGY 

The magic number:

how many people have you

slept with?

by Kate Monro
The Guardian

NOVEMBER  10,  2015

 

From a 40-year-old virgin to a role-play devotee, real people reveal everything they’ve learned between the sheets

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‘You didn’t go all the way unless you were stupid, because it would ruin your life’Jane, 81, three partners

My grandmother was a Victorian and wouldn’t mention the lavatory. For her, sex would have been something a woman endured rather than enjoyed.
Coming to London in 1955 was a revelation. My friend and I shared a flat with three chaps. This was unheard of at the time, but by gosh we had fun. There was a bath in the kitchen and, if you didn’t want to miss the party, people could hand you a drink through the curtain.

But I’d never go all the way. You couldn’t enjoy sex to that extent, because you’d be afraid of losing control. We had no contraception. You didn’t go further unless you were stupid, because it would ruin your life. Even when you were married, you were holding back, in case you got pregnant again. That destroyed a lot of the pleasure for women. The greatest liberation was the contraceptive pill. That changed everyone’s attitude to sex.

I married at 24 and had two children, but I used to wish I could have sex just for the sake of it. I’m divorced now and, a couple of years back, a male acquaintance asked, “Are you still active?” And I thought, what’s he on about? My arms and legs still work. I can walk about. Then I realised it was a euphemism for sexually active. When I told my grandson, he burst out laughing. He’d have to be pretty damned gorgeous, but I don’t think I could now. A man of my age would expect me to cook his food. I can’t be bothered with that.

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‘I went on Grindr when I was 16, and I was terrified’Paul, 20, three partners

When I was really young, I imagined myself being with a woman, because that was the norm. Growing up and finding out I was gay changed everything.

At my age, a lot of gay men are quite sleazy. Straight men are probably the same. People sleep around, and it’s not my scene, so finding a long-term partner can be difficult. I remember going on Grindr when I was 16, and I was terrified because older men started sending me photos. I was like: what are you doing? You’re 40. Is that OK? That 40-year-old men can approach 16-year-olds? 

It’s very easy for gay men to find sex. If I wanted to have sex tonight, I could probably find someone, but I wouldn’t feel the connection. I could go on Grindr, chat someone up and invite them round, but I don’t like the idea of inviting a stranger into my house.
I miss people actually talking to each other, instead of being online. You see 90s TV programmes where people go up to someone in a bar and say, “Hi, can I get your number?” And I think, that would never, ever happen these days.

I’ve not been in that situation yet, but I think sex is probably best when you’re in a relationship, because you’re more comfortable around each other. When you don’t know someone, you always think, “Oh God, is this OK?” “Am I doing this right?” Especially if they’re more experienced than you. I’ve slept with guys who’ve had more experience and guys who’ve had less, and you can tell the difference, so I always wonder: can they tell that about me?

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‘There are lots of things that are way more pleasurable than penetration’Matt, 28, more than 25 partners

The sex we see in the media is one-dimensional. It’s nearly always penetrative, and that might be how you make babies, but it’s not the best way to make your partner climax. I had an illness when I was a child, which meant I lost one of my legs. Disabled people have a blessing in a way, because they learn that there are lots of other things that you can do that are way more pleasurable.

I discovered that confidence is a trick when I was at university. It’s a way of holding your head up and faking it, because women don’t actually care how you look. But I also realised that the best thing I could do was to learn how to make women genuinely enjoy themselves. So much of sex education is not based on female pleasure at all. A lot of men have a narrative in their head about how sex should play out, which ends up prohibiting genuine experimentation. Some men get intimidated by a woman who is sexually empowered or open because it’s not what they were taught was meant to happen.

I see sex as play. If you haven’t got many hang‑ups, when you’re in that room and you close the door, it’s a space to do what you’re interested in. I think some men are intimidated by sex toys because they make them feel like they’re not good enough, but it’s just another set of tools with which we can give our partners pleasure.

I’m at a stage in my life now where, because of my disability, I’m not always able to do things as much as I would like to. But my partner is disabled as well, and there is never any pressure. We flirt and tease each other every day. We’ve constantly got that fire being lit, and the most important thing is to make sure it doesn’t go out.

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‘When I was in my 30s, my partner and I set up a role-play group’Christopher, 64, about 50 partners

I had BDSM interests from the age of eight, and a very full fantasy life in my head, but I didn’t have sex until I was in my early 20s, with another virgin. I took to it like a duck to water. I remember trying to establish with my doctor why my back was so messed up when I was at university, and realising I’d made love 22 times over the weekend with my first girlfriend. If I did it 22 times a year now, I’d be lucky.

I’m on holiday with three girls – a former, current and future lover. Nothing will happen behind anyone’s back’

I am hetero-flexible. I respond sexually to girls, transvestites and transsexuals, as long as they’re dressed as girls. As soon as they put on men’s clothes, it’s not working for me.
I discovered this back in 1987. I was in my 30s when my live-in partner and I set up a role-play group. This was pre-internet, so we put an advert in a magazine, and a lot of people joined, including trans women. It’s always been my attitude to be accepting of people.

In the end, it’s the cuddling and the spooning that matter. Sex is great, and I’ve had one-night stands, but it’s empty as an experience. I prefer the sex I have now to be part of a relationship, although nobody gets me exclusively any more.

I’m on holiday with three girls at the moment. One is a former lover, one is current and one will be a lover in the future. We all know that. Nothing will happen behind anyone’s back, but neither does anyone have to know the full details. So that’s what I’m doing now, and I don’t know what it makes me, but I am rather enjoying it.

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‘If I have an orgasm, I use it as time to focus on what I want to achieve, professionally or personally’Hattie, 41, five to 10 partners

Even if you’re not in the mood for it, I think it’s good to have sex regularly, because it gets you out of a funk. It doesn’t have to be a marathon. There’s a pressure around having great sex all the time, and getting the toys out or doing the massage, but quickies can be great, too.

I have a little ritual around sex. If I have an orgasm, I use it as time to focus on what I want to achieve, professionally or personally, because it’s an empowering position to be in. You’re relaxed and positive, so putting out that vibe is a way of doing something with that energy.

My first teenage attempts at sex were not promising. My confidence was low. I didn’t have much of a drive and it all seemed a bit painful and not a lot of fun. I didn’t feel feminine and sensual in my 20s at all. That came later for me. I feel much more able to express myself now than I did when I was younger.

I think there’s a tendency to put pressure on our partners to be everything: emotional and physical support, great sex: it’s too much, particularly when children come along. That’s when my relationship broke down with my daughter’s dad.

My current relationship is really positive. One thing I have learned is to maintain my privacy and not tell my partner everything. Not that I’m being deceitful, but having boundaries – whether that’s physical space or not oversharing – is a good thing, because there needs to be a little bit of mystery there, too.

My most freeing experiences are usually around BDSM, stimulating yourself with wax play, bondage, being blindfolded or spanked. It’s that balance between being submissive and a feminist that I love. It’s really nice to have someone take control for a little while. It doesn’t mean they take control in the rest of our life together. At the end of the day, it’s just an act.

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‘I’ve had a few flings with girls, and discovered I’m probably not a lesbian’Samantha, 39, 20 to 40 partners

My mum was quite sexually aware and sassy. That was a positive influence. I wasn’t made to think sex was bad or shameful, it was just part of life. My parents kept it fresh. I found a bag of naughty clothes in their wardrobe once, and I could never look at them the same way after that. They never let the spark disappear. Even though there was a lot of shouting and slamming doors, everyone else’s parents got divorced except mine.
There is the stuff I’d rather forget (the dates where you’re not that into it but end up drunkenly sleeping with them anyway), but the things you think you’ll regret, you don’t. I’ve had a few flings with girls. I learned I’m probably not a lesbian, but I discovered a lot about myself in the process.

AdvertisementI’ve been with my partner for 10 years now. It’s not the same as the early days, when you can’t keep your hands off each other. We work at maintaining the intimacy and excitement, because you don’t want to get to the point where you know your partner’s next move, but we are still attracted to each other. I appreciate the fact that we’ve not done everything and there are adventures still to be had.

I still think I’m the best person on earth for giving myself an orgasm; I think men would say that, too. Girls need to get their rocks off in whatever way works best for them. It’s important not to subsume your desires and needs for someone else’s, because sex is so much better when a woman is genuinely enjoying herself.

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‘The internet allowed me to be a lot more upfront about my intentions’Tom, 49, more than 100 partners

Even though a lot of guys talk lavishly about sex, I don’t think a lot of them care about it as much as they make out. I’ve been having sex for 33 years, and it has always been of upmost importance.

I ended up getting my first girlfriend pregnant when I was 17 and marrying her, so for the first six years I was having sex with only one person. After we divorced, I began to sleep with more women. There was no internet back then, so it was asking for girls’ numbers in pubs. But I was an early user once the internet got started. It allowed me to be a lot more upfront about my intentions.

I’d mistake sexual attraction for real feelings, dive in and it’d all go wrong. It was quite corrosive

In my 20s and 30s, there was a clash between my need to experiment and the urge to be in a relationship. If I met someone I was very sexually into, I’d mistake that for real feelings, dive in and it would all go wrong. It started to feel quite corrosive.

I’ve been in a relatively open relationship for the last eight years. We’re together, but we can play with other people if we want to. There’s no lying involved, and that completely changes the dynamic. In past relationships, I’d had affairs that felt like a big secret, but not now. Any involvement is with my partner’s knowledge, and I’m upfront about that with the women I meet. For some, that makes it instantly less appealing. I’ve been in really passionate flirtations that fizzle out the moment they realise I’m not cheating.
My sex drive has started to diminish, but it’s a bit of a relief. I often think that if I was celibate, I’d be a millionaire, because the time I’ve spent pursuing women could have been spent on my career.

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‘For two days after I sleep with someone, I don’t trust my feelings. I call it the sex haze’ Sadie, 25, undisclosed

This year has been my big sexual awakening. My friends take the piss out of me: “Sadie’s got that look in her eye. Watch out, men!” At the same time, I have an old-fashioned shame thing when it comes to approaching men. I don’t like that, but I think it’s quite emblematic of where women and men are at. No one’s really sure what femininity means any more, and men don’t know what masculinity stands for, either.

I was destroyed after my breakup and went online to remember how to interact with guys. We’d been together three years, and there’s something wonderful about having sexual encounters with people you really don’t know, but it’s stressful as well. Online dating leaves a trail of digital events to agonise over, depending on how emotionally vulnerable you feel. Like: “He’s on Facebook now, so why isn’t he getting back to me?” It’s a horror. And the very nature of the swipe interface on Tinder makes the whole thing feel so disposable.

The only way I’ve managed to deal with it is to put a framework in place – you have to be able to protect yourself. I’m methodical and rational about it now. I heard somewhere that women are predisposed to develop strong emotional ties with the person they have sex with, especially if it’s great sex, so for two days after I sleep with someone, I actively don’t trust my feelings. I call it being in the sex haze.

My allergy to relationships has passed now. It’s been a year since we split. I’m not as hungry as I was for new experiences. My ex had a look that only certain boys are capable of giving: it’s about love, and who you are, and wanting you because of that, and that’s really hot. I want to fall in love with a really sexy man who loves me. Is that too much to ask?

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‘There’s a simple sense of playfulness that gets lost in adult sex’Sarah, 57, more than 1,000 partners

I had a breakdown at 13. I had a difficult family background and ended up in a psychotherapist’s office and then hospital. There was a lot of acting out and I lost my virginity shortly afterwards. I was interested in sex, but I had no appreciation of myself and I got a reputation for being easy without really understanding how that had happened. I developed addictions, and as soon as my education was over, I left home. I fell into the gay women’s liberation movement, and for the next 25 years I identified as a lesbian.

As my addictions took over, I ended up in the sex business, and on my 30th birthday I found myself in rehab, having been charged with solicitation. I was so full of traumatic, undigested sexual experiences from the street; if I ever had a sexual feeling, I’d shut it down.

Then, 10 years ago, I had a moment of clarity that I wanted to explore my sexuality with men again. Being a lesbian had felt like part of who I was, so it was strange to grapple with the idea that it wasn’t really true any more. One of the things I love about sex with women is that it can be so endless and full of possibilities. It doesn’t have a clear start or a finish. But lesbian sex can at times feel labour-intensive in a way that sex with men doesn’t.

I still think I’m the best person on earth for giving myself an orgasm
I decided to start an erotic massage practice for men, and I’ve learned that I’m much better at giving pleasure than receiving it. It’s erotic for me. It’s a pleasure to give pleasure. I’m moved and sometimes saddened by how much loneliness and longing I find in my naked men, but I also find a lot of what I call libidinal joy – a simple sense of playfulness that I think gets lost in adult sex as people struggle to hold partnerships together. That kind of play requires vulnerability, and an enormous currency in any relationship.

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‘I was a 40-year-old virgin when we married. I never sowed my wild oats’Terry, 67, one partner

Right from the start, I was sensitive and a bit of a nerd. I remember my parents’ friends commenting that I looked like a little professor, and I was. At 26, the pressure and stress were getting to me. I tried online dating agencies with no success. I was simply not equipped to get along with women. I spiralled into alcoholism and eventual recovery.
I met my wife towards the end of my heavy-drinking period, and we pretty much clicked instantly. Our marriage has lasted 25 years, and it’s been solid throughout; we get on well and love each other deeply. But we’ve had our challenges over the years with sex. I was a 40-year-old virgin when we married and she’d had sex only once before: at 21, consensual but traumatic, at a party.

She had been imbued with the idea of “a woman’s duty” or “Lie back and think of England”. Sex was invariably initiated by me and, at around 46, my wife’s interest waned. The menopause came and went, her libido dropped away and our sexual encounters stopped. We are physically affectionate and greatly attached, but I miss sex and that moment of communion. I masturbate most days, mainly to the kind of internet porn that shows “real couples” or homemade stuff, but I miss body contact.
I have developed a yearning for what is highly improbable: that I can take up with a young woman for casual pleasure without commitment. I have discussed this with my wife, who has not expressed hostility to the idea; she said she just wouldn’t want to know the details. The last thing I want is to hurt her. Many of my friends confess to me the infidelities that they’ve kept secret, and I simply can’t comprehend such a thing. It would be agony. But I never sowed my wild oats, you see, and I regret that. Is it too late to make up for that somehow?

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‘I remember driving across town to have sex with a stranger’Jonathan, 50, 40 partners

I’m definitely a one-to-one guy. I’m not into sleeping around. For me, a big part of sex is getting to know someone. The more you feel that sense of commitment, that locking in of trust, the more playful and expressive you are able to be.

I’m not in a relationship at the moment, but I can remember times when I’ve had to stop the car to have sex with a girlfriend on the way to Brighton, and it’s commitment that has enabled me to be mischievous and expressive like that.

I can remember times when I’ve had to stop the car to have sex with a girlfriend
The truly great moments? The very first time is up there, because it felt significant and I felt really loved. I was 17. If there is such a thing as a top 10, I’d include those moments in a relationship when you wake up in the night feeling horny and have to have sex. Also, I remember chatting to someone online when the internet was still a novelty and driving across town to have sex. I didn’t know her and I didn’t see her again, but it was thrilling.
There have been all sorts of times, in tents or up mountains, but great sex has always been when I’m in tune with someone. I don’t find uncertainty thrilling; I find it a pain in the arse.

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‘I had a very experienced lover. I wasn’t in love: he was just the facilitator of my fantasies’Rachel, 55, a few hundred partners 

Generally, I feel a bit flat. The ups and downs you get when you have periods are all gone. But it’s not as if I’m thinking, “I wish I’d had more group sex” or “I wish I’d shagged 100 more people.” Because I did more in 10 years than most people have done in their entire lives.

I think there is a surge of hormones in your early 40s – maybe your body is trying to fulfil its destiny – because I felt up for it all the time. I was divorced, I’d had my children and I was involved with a man who was a very experienced lover. I would tell him what was going through my head and he would make it happen. I wasn’t committed to him, I wasn’t in love. It was just: “You are the facilitator of my fantasies.” I wouldn’t even know what was happening half the time, because there were so many different sensations going on in my body. It was quite spiritual, in a weird sort of way. 
Women in their 40s are dangerous. They’re nuts. The great thing is that you have the mental capacity to switch off all the drama that you had in your 20s – “Does he love me? Does he not love me?” In your 40s, you’re like, “I definitely do not love him but, by God, he’s a good shag.” 

I think, for women, desire happens in the brain. This is something I am constantly telling my current partner. We’ve been together three years and he doesn’t get it. It amazes me that no matter how intelligent guys are, they simply do not seem to get that if you don’t do certain things, you’re not going to come. I think there must be a lot of women who fake it, because how else have men come to the conclusion they’re all so amazing?

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‘The mind is an erogenous zone. It doesn’t have to be intercourse’Angela, 61, one partner

I have been married for 38 years and my husband is the only sexual partner I’ve had. For the last 10 years, our marriage had lacked intimacy. It wasn’t that we were unhappy, it just happened as it does to lots of people: familiarity, failure to communicate, the omnipresence of children. 
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Just over a year ago, when I was feeling particularly sad and frustrated about this, my husband reached out to me in bed. I think he just touched me. It was as simple as that, but it was as if a floodgate had opened. It was like a thin wall had been there, so thin you could put your finger through it, and that’s all it took for someone to break it. There’s been no looking back since then, and sex is a wonderful part of our lives now.
I’m sure it was exciting and lovely when we were younger, but I think it was probably more goal-oriented, and it isn’t now – that’s a huge difference. Now it’s more about being in the moment. The whole body can be an erogenous zone. The mind is an erogenous zone. It doesn’t have to be intercourse. That’s a tiny part of it for us. This is the greatest time of my life, sexually. Everything feels very heightened and real. 
My husband said he didn’t know how interested in sex I was, and he delights in it now. And because I’ve become more open and able to express myself, he has as well. You think, why didn’t I say this a long time ago? Because it wasn’t hard in the end. But there’s no judgment or feeling of disapproval or shock or anything. It’s all just… wonderful.

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