QUIZ: How 'Spornosexual' Are You?
The spornosexual's primary concern is his body
The writer who first coined the term ‘metrosexual’, Mark Simpson, explained the rise of the ‘spornosexual’ - a social media- and selfie-obsessed male who takes cues on his appearance from sport and porn.
While metrosexuals fretted over their wardrobes and their complexions, the spornosexual’s primary concern is his body.
Still not sure where you fit in all this? Take this 'spornosexual' quiz to find out…
1. You’re logging into Facebook to…
A) ...post a picture of you having dinner with friends. You look amazing in it but that’s by-the-by.
B) ...keep up to date with news from friends and family. Your cousin’s just had a baby - maybe a picture will be up?
C) …check how many ‘likes’ your gym selfie has got. Your guns are looking huge in this one, but so far only 149 people have left positive comments. Is it your hair that’s the problem?
2. You’re switching on the TV to watch…
A) ...the football. Footballers always seem to be one step ahead of the latest grooming trends.
B) …the football. You’d never miss one of your team’s games.
C) ...Geordie Shore. When you’re not looking at you, you want to be looking at people like you.
Metrosexual 2.0: rugby player turned model Thom Evans (Photo: D Hedral)
3. If you were a comic book character you would be...
A) Batman. You may or may not be in a gay relationship with your sidekick but that’s not really the point. You also have a basement stuffed with sweet gadgets.
B) Superman. Save the day, get the girl.
C) The Incredible Hulk. Because bigger is always better.
4. It’s a big night out. What’s your poison?
A) Red wine. There was a period when it would have been cocaine too, but the ethical implications worried you - not to mention what it did to your skin.
B) Real ale.
C) Double vodka Red Bull. You’re always getting offered MDMA in clubs but you’re not sure how it will react with the steroids you’re taking.
5. Time for party small talk with another man. Your first question is…
A) This is Prada, right? I’ve been trying to track one down in cobalt blue for ages.
B) Did you catch the game last night?
C) Bro, do you lift?
6. Time to approach a woman at a party. Your opener is...
A) A woman in an A-line dress should never be standing by herself.
B) Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got "fine" written all over you.
C) My mate’s up for a threesome. You in?
7. It’s the morning after the night before. What do you eat?
A) Ottolenghi’s Middle Eastern take on Full English - a simple twist on a classic.
B) Full English, what else?
C) Full English with 18 eggs, 20 rashers of bacon and no bread. This machine runs on protein.
8. How would you describe your relationship with porn?
A) You watch it a couple of times a week but understand it doesn’t have much bearing on reality.
B) Strained now that Nuts has folded.
C) You’ve uploaded a couple of videos of you and the girlfriend to amateur sites but should really try professional soon.
9. Let’s talk t-shirts. V-neck or crew neck?
A) If your face is long, you'll try to offset this with a plain crew neck - and vice-versa if your face is round.
B) You don’t talk t-shirts.
C) V-neck - the deeper the better.
10. Which of these best describes your approach to life?
A) Always look out for number one.
B) Hope for the best, expect the worst.
C) Sun’s out - guns out.
Mostly As - You are a metrosexual. While your appearance and interest in grooming products may have attracted comment in the early noughties, you’ve now been surpassed by the spornosexual. Try upping your weights at the gym or, if that fails, taking steroids.
Mostly Bs - You are a 20th century male. You don’t read men’s lifestyle magazines so you probably have no idea how outdated you really are but, if this quiz has raised any concerns, try borrowing some moisturiser from a metrosexual friend/colleague before attempting to go full sporno.
Mostly Cs - You are a spornosexual. Congratulations - you are an outstanding specimen of masculinity, though opinions may differ in what sense you are outstanding.
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